The First First

Friday, November 20, 2020

If you don't already know this (I mentioned it on Instagram), my dad passed away on Saturday. Even though I just posted a life update about how the doctors didn't give him very long to live, it's still really hard. Knowing the end is almost here is a comfort in some ways, because we were able to say all the things we wanted to, but it doesn't make the fact that he's gone any easier.

He passed away at the hospital on Saturday morning, holding hands with me and my mom. He had decided on Friday morning to stop all of the things that were keeping his heart pumping. It was too much, too many complications, too much pain. He was tired. I get it, but I will never stop missing him. I've always been a daddy's girl. Even though we butted heads because we were so much alike, my dad was always in my corner even when I was wrong. 

So it's been a very hard week. And as someone who hates change, I anticipate it being a very hard year - I am going to hate every single 'first' without my dad. First Christmas without him. First Father's Day. First time I don't get to call him after a Bear's win, if such a thing ever happens again.

Today is the first of those firsts - it's my birthday. My very first birthday without my dad. Because even though I'm adopted, he adopted me within the first hour after I was born. So today is not very fun at all. Except for this morning - he was there. I had coffee with my mom and she stood next to me at one point and said I smelled nice. Like I must have gotten John's cologne or aftershave on me. Except John doesn't wear those things and I also haven't showered in two days so I know it wasn't me. And then she realized it was my dad. While we were having our birthday coffee and chat, he was there, in his normal seat at the table. It only smelled right there and when we came back to the table later, it was gone. He still came to be there for my birthday. 36 years and nothing can keep him from me on this day.

There's a lot of things and a lot of people I can't count on in this world, but I am lucky that I've never doubted, not one second in my entire life, that there's nothing my dad loved more than me and my mom.